Spring Fashion ‘08: Bad news, frumpy is not the new black

Spring is finally here, and while the weather is refusing to budge for now, the store windows are beginning to display things unseen in the past 6 months: skirts, sandals, florals, and COLOR!

Although it’s well past resolution season, I always say it’s never too late to look back on those more…regrettable fashion decisions–you know, to learn from. And naturally, to mock.

These are the trends from 2007 upon which I wish a long, horrible death. They belong in the black hole of fashion along with acid-washed jeans, The New Kids on the Block, bell-bottoms…you get the picture.

1. Skinny Pants

Contrary to popular belief, skinny pants do not make you look skinny. Rather, one must be extremely skinny to pull them off (who are we kidding, to even pull them on). Used improperly, skinny pants can result in what fashion folks call “the ice cream effect,” i.e., chunky, bulbous thighs trickling down to toothpick calves. Bad skinny jeans easily chop about, oh, a foot off the frame.

Admittedly, I have found a pair of skinny jeans that do flatter these British “made to make babies” thighs o’ mine. Even still, because lunges will never get easier, I would be glad to see this trend go on the wane.

2. Leggings as pants

Silly LiLo, those aren’t pants! If there were one celebrity responsible for this horrendous trend, I’d point the finger to her.

Leggings, my dears, are not suitable substitutes for real pants. Yes honey, your bum is lovely, but haven’t you heard of leaving anything to the imagination? A nice pair of snug jeans is just as sexy, and not as skanky. Of course, leggings are acceptable as pants if the top is below the bottom of your bum. In this rare instance, the legging is more blessing than burden–for all those tunics and short dresses that we would normally feel too self-conscious to wear sans pants but would feel too heavy over jeans, leggings are the perfect solution.

But the privilege has been abused. Every time I see a woman walking around in thin leggings and a short top, I want to tie a sweatshirt around her waist like a little kid who just had an “accident.”

When leggings first became popular, it immediately conjured those early 90’s memories of Peg Bundy from Married with Children (another trend that overstayed its welcome):

Another look you might want to avoid.

Learn to properly identify your clothes: Leggings are not pants!

3. Puff sleeves

This one is more personal. So, I’m white. Really white. I’ve got some German, some English, and some Polish in me. Not surprisingly, I gots me some manly man-shoulders. This is not usually something I like to emphasize when I get dressed in the morning with 2+ inches of fabric on my sleeves.

With that out of the way, I’m not really a big fan of the puffs in general. A colleague at my summer retail job once suggested that designers do this because they want the clothes to look “princess-y.” If you ask me, it’s a little more Alice in Wonderland than Queen Elizabeth. Why do these designers think we want to dress like little girls? Which brings me to:

4. Trapeze dresses and tops

I never thought designers could make a 90-pound model look fat. Well, congratulations. You made a $5,000 mumu.

Can anyone look good in a brightly colored sack? For all of 2007, I’ve been mourning the waist. I hope it makes a comeback in 2008.